I'm Breathing In...I'm Breathing out....Today one of my photographer buddies gave me a very interesting lead on a job at Bathouse Studios. I could probably get it with his word..but I just think the hours might kill me.

such a delicate balance my life has..actually more like 3 distinct sections. My family life, being Mommy...taking care of the everyday routine that goes into parenting and running a household. Which by the way, I truly believe can only properly be accomplished as a full-time position. Its all half-assed now. There is no proper routine here. No one to enforce the routine. I hate this aspect. I hate not being here when they come home from school. I hate not being able to make them a nice dinner and help them with their homework. Soon they will be all grown up. I will have missed it and this makes me very sad.

Then there is my work life...which is sort of the real me that never had a chance to be. The energico of NYC. The thrill of working towards something that can potentially make a huge difference in all of our lives as Americans. Its rewarding, albeit, somewhat menial work. I totally dig the idea of Meetup and feel good about being there. The commute is an absolute drain my my spirit, and the pay totally sucks....so, I feel guilty, like...okay, I am leaving my family to be raised in a half-assed way so I can work on this job that drags me away from my primary role in life (as a mother..which is probably the most important role in anyones life...or it should be....as a parent) and there really isnt any monetary reward which MIGHT make a huge difference in my childrens lives. SO...paradox city.

Then there is my relationship with Bernie which makes me feel alive. Warm and wanted, needed and loved...sort of the work and family feeling all rolled into one. The comfort and electricity, the ebb and flow of emotion in a good, healthy way. I trust him. He is very good to me. I can see us going the distance. Its not going to be easy, it would be if it were just us, but there are children involved and their emotions to also be aware of. I feel eqally comfortable when we are alone together as when we are in our roles as Mommy and Daddy. Its so good.

So I guess by reading this over I have to say that my life is really pretty good. I have many roles to play and love each one. Life is busy, busy, busy right now, but its all really so good.