I feel really strange and alone. Don't know why. I feel a weird fear. Generally fearless, this is sort of freaking me out. I feel vulnerable. I guess all of the stuff happening in the past few weeks is starting to hit me. My grandmother dying...yesterday looking through a bunch of her things that my mom brought back. Thinking about all of her cool vintage clothing and shoes were wasted in some thrift shop in Sparta PA...because no one that was there realized how cool her stuff is. This makes me sick.

For some reason, I inherited her awesome bedroom suite circa 1928. I never had anything this nice. I mean, when I was a kid living with my parents I had a gorgeous bedroom, canopy double bed and full stop french provincale everthing. On my own I never had anything but left overs off the street...oh I did buy a few things, don't get me wrong, but mostly its hand-me-downs.

This bedroom is also hand-me-down. HA! oh well.

I'm trying to figure out why I feel so inadequate today. strange. Perhaps because my parents are visiting? They have a tendency to make me feel like I am 12, like...totally subconsciencely on my part...it just surfaces like now. I have that childlike inner fear. WHY? WHY? WHY? They are totally cool people. Its me. Me and My Hormones. I had some in tense hot flashes this morning too.

Bernie helped me a great deal today also, and I feel undeserving of this help. I don't know where that comes from either. If someone is offering and I need the help I should accept it gracefully and not feel ashamed. I suppose its the sin of pride that keeps me feeling that I am wrong to accept assistance...even from those who love me? There is something wrong with that. I guess I just feel that he has so many demand on him, that I don't want to be another burden. I want to help him, walk hand in hand with him, but mostly I feel that he is lifting me and I do nothing to help him....that is probably a wrong perception on my part as well, I mean, if he were not reaping some sort of benefit from this relationship he wouldnt stay.

I think there is something upsetting him lately, but he won't tell me what. I notice a difference in him.

I need to go to sleep.