While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.
Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.
Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her, was sober with no place to go.
Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
all of my pain when I think back to when.
Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
the smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again.
But don't fool yourself,
she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.
Oh She was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

Forget Her, Jeff Buckley

It's quiet now, and what it brings, is everything
comes calling back, a brilliant night, I'm still awake
I looked ahead, I'm sure I saw you there.
You don't need me to tell you now, that nothing can compare


You might've laughed if I told you,
You might have hidden your frown.
You might've succeeded in changing me,
I might've been turned around.
It's easier to leave than to be left behind,
Leaving was never my proud,
Leaving New York never easy,
I saw the light fading out.

Now life is sweet, and what it brings
I tried to take.
the loneliness it wears me out,
it lies in wake.
and all I 've lost, you're in my eyes,
i might've lived my life in a dream
but i swear it, it's real
and you refuse, and it shatters like glass
mercurial future, forget the past

Beach

Just got back from a long walk on Manasquan Beach. I love this time of year because the tourists are gone and there is nothing but silence and surfers and a few fishermen.

I found a few large pieces of sea glass. Usually this time of year is great for scallop shells. I didnt see any.

The sun hasn't shone in days and days. Luckily the trees are all aglow.

I just heard a cool new song from Cosmic Roughriders
aptly named, Life in Wartime.

He brings disaster upon his nation who
never sows a seed, or lays a brick, or
weaves a garment, but
makes politics his occupation.
Kahlil Gibran

Whenever I think my life is too hectic, too much…too big. I think of all there is to be grateful for. It’s such a sad statement this new generation of people living behind screens. Bernie’s sees this everyday with the children he teaches at High Technology High School.

I work for a company that’s mission statement is to takeAmerica Offline . This is the curse of the affluent naturally. I’m sure there are plenty of po’ folk that still know how to have a good time down to the Elks or go fishing John down the lane. Ladies still go to church socials and kids play ball in the vacant lot. We’ve managed for thousands of years without internet technology and I’m quite certain the human condition of community is instinctual.

It’s so pathetic that there has to be institutions to teach people how to interact with each other. Tomes are written on the subject. Fortunes are gained preying on loneliness.

I live in sort of a technological vacuum. We are equipped with 7 computers of various languages on three wifi floors. Each room also has cable TV and wicked stereo. There are six people living here (mom, dad and four children), a dog and a cat on ten acres of woods set back from the main road. Life is so big….so much family so much activity…so much laundry!

For this I feel blessed. I will never know loneliness.

I’m a self-proclaimed hermit. I hate to leave home. I’ve managed to work a deal where I work from here, helping people out there….meet each other. I don’t think I could even tolerate neighbors. Trixie upstairs or Betty over the stone wall in the back yard.

I bothers me that Hollywood dictates how a familyshould be. How lovers “should” interact with each other. Why are we measured by our plethora of friends and how we influence people?

Don’t get me wrong. I am social. I have a great way of making people feel comfortable, mostly by being as down to earth as possible. I make no excuses for who I am. My life has been a series of gut reactions….mistakes mostly, adventures? Definitely. I love people. Everyone has worth. Everyone has a basic need to be heard and validated, no matter how bizarre the personal belief system is. I love listening and discovering how people get to where they are and why.

My brother Chris likens me to a cat….no matter what, I land on my feet. I’ve reinvented myself many times. My belief system has evolved with every new experience. My only intolerance is for those intolerant. Or blamers. Nothing worse than the blame game. There is something wrong with the character of a person who cannot take responsibility for their mistakes. Fear? Most likely. Laziness? Probably.

Turn it up loud, captain!

Lights go down
It's dark
The jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
I'm feeling so much stronger
Than I thought
Your eyes are wide
And though your soul
it can't be bought
your mind can wander

Hello, Hello
Hola!
I'm at a place called vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something I can feel

The night is full of holes
Those bullets rip the sky
Of ink with gold
They twinkle as the boys play rock and roll
They know that they can't dance
At least they know

I can sell the beat
I'm askin' for the cheque
Girl with crimson nails
Has Jesus 'round the neck
Swinging to the music

All this, all of this can be yours
Just give me what I want
And no one gets hurt

I'm at a place called Vertigo
Lights go down and all I know
Is that you give me something I can feel
You're teaching me ...aaahhh
Your love is teaching me ...aaaah
How to kneel
Kneel

"Vertigo" U2

Feeling better today.
Sorta.
My stomach still hurts and I have a headache, but my spirits feel a bit better. I'm happy about my work arrangement and am looking forward to a new chapter in my life.

Over the past year of commuting to NYC my physical health has gone downhill. I don't know how people do it year after year. I need to have time to take care of family, home and health.

Anyway, its nice to sit here in my new office arrangement on the second floor overlooking my front garden and pond. The leaves are starting to turn, my ginger cat is sitting in the window. Its a dull, grey raining day, but there its warm and cozy inside. I'm happy.

Everything Changes

I'm exhausted. I haven't been feeling very well the past few days. I'm real sick today. I'm not used to being under the weather. I want to rest be feel compelled to work. I'm going to rest now.

This sounds so weird. There is so much to do and I never rest...so what else can I expect than my body giving out on me. What a drag it is, getting old.

Today was an interesting day. I checked my email around 5am. There was a scathing accusal from one of my co-workers. Clearly a case of misunderstanding, although I found it insulting and patronizing. This began to irritate me. We work extremely hard at Meetup with a minimal staff, especially in my department. We have had our staff cut by more than half in recent weeks leaving me with a staff of 2. In any event, aside from feeling overwhelmed by not being able to begin working at home when I had planned I am having to fight battles of perception.

So after packing 5 lunches, rushing 4 children out to school, doing 2 loads of laundry and washing the dishes, I shower and dress. I rush to the bus at 7:15, I board. I sit with my laptop and write, listening to Jeff Buckley's “Grace” (before the Nick Drakes of the world, we had Jeff Buckley) I finish my writing outside the Lincoln Tunnel and begin packing up. I feel into the front pocket of my backpack to find my wallet missing.

In my anger, going over and over my words in my head….I left my purse in my car at the bus station! No Metro-Card. No Cash, No Credit Cards. I am in NYC with nothing.
I call my boss and tell him I will be late and I begin my dissent to Greenwich Village from Port Authority.

It was a beautiful day today, so the 45 or more block walk really wasn't so terrible. In fact I discovered a really awesome farmer's market in Union Square. My only regret was not having my camera with me. I'd like to take this walk again sometime soon.

It turned out well. Matt lent me 20 dollars and Hailey bought me flowers to ease the pain of my morning, telling me Im the coolest person in the office. While I don't agree, I appreciate her telling me so.

The moral of this story is probably buried in Aesop's Fables but for me it always goes back to Instant Karma. My karma has been corrected to the point that if I have bad thoughts, even…I am instantly reprimanded. Which is a good thing.

People wonder how I handle all that I do. Its not sweating the small stuff and remembering its all small stuff. I don't need vain glory. I don't need to be “right” all the time. Knowing my gut and going with it is how I like to live. Sometimes I don't need to “get it” Like, I try to understand how Bernie lived through his marriage, I try to imagine what his late wife was like. I try to piece together from words and pictures. It cannot be done and maybe I don't need to know.