Happy New Year!

Time marchs on. A promise of Hope.
Like I could live forever.
I feel so much better.

You are beautiful, loving and patient.
I will learn from you.
How to be beautiful, loving and patient.

You have graced me.
I am grateful.
You inspire me to fear not.

All things, peaceful and right
swirl around you.

You are the vortex of goodness
I spiral, arms outstretched
take me to the haven where you live.

Yet just by knowing you I am cured.
By your touch I am transformed
approaching who I am meant to be.

When I think back on everything I have experienced in my life, the only reasons that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

Immortality

. . . She walked around the pool toward the exit. She passed the lifeguard, and after she had gone some three or four steps beyond him, she turned her head, smiled, and waved to him. At that instant I felt a pang in my heart! That smile and that gesture belonged to a twenty-year-old girl! Her arm rose with bewitching ease. It was as if she were playfully tossing a brightly colored ball to her lover. That smile and that gesture had charm and elegance, while the face and the body no longer had any charm. It was the charm of a gesture drowning in the charmlessness of the body. But the woman, though she must of course have realized that she was no longer beautiful, forgot that for the moment. There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless. In any case, the instant she turned, smiled, and waved to the young lifeguard (who couldn't control himself and burst out laughing), she was unaware of her age. The essence of her charm, independent of time, revealed itself for a second in that gesture and dazzled me. I was strangely moved. And then the word Agnes entered my mind. Agnes. I had never known a woman by that name.
~Milan Kundera



The Czech writer Milan Kundera, b. Apr. 1, 1929, has lived in France since 1975, persuaded to self-exile by the censoring or suppression of his work by the government of his native country. Kundera has long denied any political motivation in his writings, however. His work is always humorous, skeptical, and fundamentally pessimistic in describing the universal human condition, whether under Communism or elsewhere. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting (1979; Eng. trans., 1980) is his most celebrated novel. Other highly regarded works include The Joke (1967; Eng. trans., 1982); Laughable Loves, a collection of short stories originally published in the 1960s (Eng. trans., 1974); Life Is Elsewhere (1969; Eng. trans., 1974); and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1984; Eng. trans., 1984). In The Art of the Novel (1988), a collection of essays, Kundera repeats his conviction that the novel must be "autonomous," created independent of any system of political belief

Time To Live

"There is a secret bond between slowness and memory, between speed and forgetting." - Milan Kundera

I've been having strange feelings lately. Its most likely hormonal. I'm suddenly hyper-sensitive about situations beyond my control. Sometimes I see things that shouldnt bother me, but they do. I feel very cautious about what and how I say things...about situations beyond my control. Stepping lightly, peeking around corners, looking for ghosts. I'm not completely certain its right to say I'm uncomfortable. Its a process. I'm so afraid of being the transitional person. I hope I have not let myself fall to far too fast. I know what I know...

When a man`s an empty kettle
he should be on his mettle
and yet, I`m torn apart.
Just because I`m presumin`
that I could be kinda human
If I only had a heart

Picture me... a balcony....
Above a voice sings low,
"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

I hear a beat....
...How sweet!

Just to register emotion,
Jealousy, Devotion,
and really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper
And I`d lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart.

From the motion picutre "The Wizard Of Oz" 1939

Saturday Morning.

Its all a blurr...one day into the next. Yesterday I slept almost all day. This is the way I am, I go, go, go...then CRASH. Next year I need to not do that so much. Keep regular hours. Sounds so boring!

Anyway. Today is Saturday. This afternoon I will visit my brothers, exchange more gifts, eat more stuff. I am on a salt, sugar, fat binge. Its sort of making me sick...but I figure...okay, do it now. Get it out of your system and do the cleansing fast in January. I think I am done though....until I am faced with cannoli later.

I am trying to figure out what to bring over to my brothers. My sister-in-law has a cheese phobia. I thought it was just with my food, since I use all sorts of cheeses that repluse her....made from sheep's milk...etc. However, Gina told me last night she was having trouble with Gina's lasagne, poking at the cheese filling....so I dont feel so bad. When she found out it was a Stouffers Lasagne, she felt better. hehehe...that cracks me up. Processed foods are so much worse than the off chance of ingesting Pecorino Romano. But...hey, we all have our phobias.

It is deliciously quiet in my house right now. I can actually think. They only sound is my fingers...drumming on the keys.
I am sitting midst another big mess from Auntie Gina...she came by around 11pm last night bearing gifts...

I want to also publically Thank Gina...who has helped me tremendously over the years. Especially this Christmas..I couldnt have pulled it off without her! She is a great friend and wonderful person to know. I am blessed to have her in my life. Since the Second Grade....you can come and live with us when you get old, honey.

What a mess!Day after Christmas...I don't feel like cleaning it up. I feel like taking a shower and going to another party!

Dinner last night was pretty good...I was distracted at the bitter end and my kids decided to poke fun at most of the menu items but hey...these are the memories.

I remember holiday horror meals. Italian items not found anywhere else and truly replusive.

I give you...Baccala. Dried Salted Cod that is reconstituted and stewed into a fishy stew. Tripe. Yes...the stomach wall of a cow. scungilli...conch...and other oddities of the sea.

Somehow, cold potato soup and strawberries with vinegar on them pale in comparison. WIMPS!

So...I have mountains of gingerbread boys and a half-eaten house....gangs of peppermint and gobs of chocolate. Silver, crystal and spode to sort through.

Not so bad. I've felt WAY worse on this day. I owe most of my elevated mood to Bernie. Thank you for everything, my love...You've made this season bright.

this is really fun! I've spent the entire day focused on preparing an excellent meal. I love this.

Christmas Dinner Menu

Strawberries, green grapes and oranges with white balsamic vinegar
~
Vichyssoise
~
Shrimp salad with baby greens
~
Manicotti
~
Turkey
Asparagus
mashed potato with scallions and cream
~
Cassata
Fresh pineapple and pomegranate
Nuts and cheeses

Merry Christmas one and all!
Angela

Check out

Scott_Heiferman discussing Meetup on CNN today:

Tonight I met Gina for dinner and we shopped until the stores closed. At least I am finished...tomorrow is grocery shopping and wrapping gifts....It beginning to look a lot like Christmas! I love my big crazy tree.

Sailing heart-ships thru broken harbors
Out on the waves in the night
Still the searcher must ride the dark horse
Racing alone in his fright.
Tell me why, tell me why

Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me lies later, come and see me
I’ll be around for a while.
I am lonely but you can free me
All in the way that you smile
Tell me why, tell me why

Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me why, tell me why
Tell me why, tell me why

I'm in my office here in the Chelsea section on the Island of Manhattan, NY. It struck me last night that the year is almost over. Its been a great year. Last January I told my co-worker Rene (from the mortgage company) that 2003 is gonna be MY YEAR. Well, I wouldnt go as far as to say its been MY YEAR but I have made a lot of strides in personal development over the year. I have been able to stand up for myself a bit more. Realize that if something isn't feeling right to me...gut-wise...than it probably isn't right for me and I need to change it. When a situation feels "right" inside, you know it. I also managed to lose 30 pounds in the past year. Okay...so most of the year I didnt have to sit at a desk, and that helped tremendously. Daily yoga and bike riding certainly helped. I need to be vigilant next year...and keep this up.

Next year I have a few easy resolutions. I am going to break them into managable chunks...90 day plans.
FIRST 90 DAYS of 2004:

Stay away from sugar and wheat flour. I think I am allergic to white flour and sugar is just bad for me. I always feel 100% better when I avoid both of these ingredients.

Stay away from bad carbs, beef and limit the chicken. I need to incorporate more fish into my life. I think 90 days of oriental style will be good for me.

Not eating big meals late at night. this is tricky because I dont get home from work until 7:30. So... I think I need to really plan to have correct foods available at all times.

Substitute stress reducers and rewards....I like to eat candy when I am stressed or really happy. I need to exercise when I am stressed or really happy...hehe.

Yoga at LEAST 3x a week and get back to strength training. I MUST do this for my mental as well as physical well-being.

All of the above changes will help the REST of my life...the pressures of children, work....and about work....
I need to make some changes either with the position I currently have, making it more "user friendly" in my life or find something closer to home.

Relationship wise...well, things are better than I ever expected with Bernie. I wish my relationship with Pherrin was better, but what can I do with a crazed 14 year old? I need to not be her friend and not feel bad about not being her friend. The hardest part of being a parent is this.
so, I guess I just need to keep doing the next right thing there, this too shall pass....in a few years!
The part that makes me sad is just that I feel like crap every time Bernie or Genevieve are subject to Pherrin's outbursts...its so vile and embarressing. He is so protective of what she is exposed to, Im sure the ugliness of pherrins outbursts are not what he wants his daughter to be subjected to. Sometimes I wonder if there can be any real future for us because of this. Its difficult. It could be worse, I guess...shes just mouthy...not into drugs or any other bad habits. Its family dynamics...as my brother Dan likes to say.... Oh well, it is what it is. I don't hide anything. No sense in that. It just makes me sad sometimes.

Funny quote I stole from Frejaluna's blog...

You can lead a horticulture
but you can't make her think.
-- Dorothy Parker

Interesting quote from an email I received this morning.....

There's a certain realization that most Amerikans are living in a "divided & conquered" totalitarian police state repressed by fear, ignorance, distrust and corruption. Apathy and powerlessness as I analized from this socio-psychological conditions.

I am baking cookies this afternoon. I didnt go into the city....pherrin is sick, she never gets sick...so this was interesting. Its great to work from home. I can get most of my work done before (working 5:30- 12:00) I took a shower around noon and fell asleep till 3pm. I had all sorts of weird dreams. At one point I woke up and started coughing like mad. Apparently, I feel into such a hard sleep that I had my mouth wide open (and probably snoring). My throat was like sandpaper; I couldnt swallow. So, I coughed...and fell back to sleep. Katie woke me up asking if she could visit her friend Melissa...so, I got up and drove her there and stopped off at Pathmark for a few essential items that are pretty much all we are dealing with until after christmas. This season has been the leanest in history. My salary is at an all time low and for some reason, the aunties that usually send large cheques for the children failed to do so. I am trying to just make things happy and homey and hopeful. I just hope they are happy with what few items they will have. Thankfully, Bernie is producing the major cool christmas item. Something they have been asking for...FOREVER...and I would never buy. They will love it!

I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER

I dont know how it happened, but suddenly I can't get enough peanut butter.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless then maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

mega-more

so today, I re-arranged the dining room to accommodate my massive larger-than-life christmas tree. Bernie cut it down for me. I picked it out a few months ago from my backyard (we grow christmas trees for a tax break) It did not look so big outside..one we got it in...wow! Its really gigantic. Nothing like a giant fresh tree.

Bernie worked on my furnace dilemma all day. Its fried. We made a nice hot fire in the wood-burning stove. I roasted a chicken for dinner and burnt my stomach on the roasting pan. (OUCH). Bernie repaired an open window situation in my attic. I decked the halls with boughs of holly. Its looking quite christmassey in here!

I braided Genevieve's hair. The weather must be changing...the arthrities in my leg is killing me. Well...my bedroom smells like Nag Champa. Its loaded with presents...half wrapped. I know I am making no sense now.

Well, I better turn in. Good night Gentle Readers.

Mega-Weekend
Last night...Meetup Holiday Party, lots of fun. Then Goa on Curry Row...box of nag champa for later. Long ride home...slept on Bernie's shoulder all the way to Red Bank. Today...shopping. Got it all done in one day! (except for one or two special items....) Still no tree, nor cookies....thats tomorrow. I am exhausted. My furnace isnt working properly. It was freezing in here when I got home...the damper isnt raising on demand from the thermostat...ugh. I have to manually open the damper for the ignition to connect. This cold be a very long and cold night.

I am watching the Yearling on channel thirteen.

oh this is cool...

Meetup_Discussion_Board

Its the Holiday Season!

I'm working from home today, and taking the train in later for the
Meetup Holiday Party.

This is the first of such events at Meetup that I have been able to finagle getting to. For those of you who do not know, I have a gaggle of geese (aka: children) at home about 65 miles south of Manhattan. I commute to Gotham every morning. Okay, no big deal, Moms and Dads have been doing the very same thing for decades. (or at least since NJ TRANSIT came into being) I wrestle with guilt on a daily basis, "well, MOM...I could have joined the BASKETBALL TEAM but YOU can't pick me up from PRACTICE..." that was my daily dose of guilt for this morning.

So okay, before I start beating myself with wet reeds, the windup is this: I arranged to actually GO to an afterhours event involving work. We host them all the time, but I never attend for obvious reason. bah!

Anyways...the children are arranged for the night and I am fully intending to have an enchanted evening.

It'll be fun. Bernie is meeting me on the train up a few stops after school (bernie is a teacher). Ingrid is meeting me at the club for a Fotolog gift exchange which will also be fun.

Well...gotta get to work (I love working from home, I get SO MUCH more done for some reason) And figure out what I am going to wear. I have no idea.
BLOG ON I say...Blog on.

So, you think my blog is too personal? So you think my blog insights riots? Well.....so did these
newly_signed_authors... hey...ya never know, honey.

I closed the door and I walked away
From the life I knew
On a night in june
I took a chance and I lost control
Trying to find out why
On a night in july

This hesitation is gone
I feel that the night is slipping away
Wanna drown in the ocean of your love
Wanna dance in the moonlight
Looking for a miracle

I left the city on a wave of despair
To stand on my own
On an august night
From the valley of broken hearts
Gonna make a new start in september
Why this confusion
I can feel that the night is slipping away
Wanna walk from the shadows to the sun
Just to dream on a summer night
Dream about a miracle
Looking for a miracle
Never had the chance before
To turn the tide my way
In the heat of the summer night
You took my breath away
Looking for a miracle

Wanna walk from the shadows to the sun
Just to dream on a summer night
Dream about a miracle
Your love is just a miracle

I learned a few things today. One, that my life is as good as it can be right now and I am truly happy with that. Two, I am not freaking out about Christmas anymore. Its not worth it. Im going to go shopping ONE day and thats it. I am going to get a tree and put it up, no worries. Its just one day. I am going to expect nothing...and this way I won't be disappointed. I mean really...christmas has developed into something so overwhelming. I just can't deal. Its like Little League and SUVs. Just give me a simple day, a few well thought out gifts and be done...oh yeah, and a cassata.
Three, bernie. Okay...so you may be tired of hearing about him, but everyday he amazes me with the depth of his kindness and self-less-ness. He is absolutely beautiful...through and through. For the first time in my life I truly feel loved. This makes everything in my life better. It is an amazing and rare event to find someone you are compatible with on every level. To look into his eyes insights a riot within me.

Today I missed the 7:30 train..but caught the 8:00 and the ironic thing today was that the 7:30 train broke down and we had to take everyone on ours...so we were again PACKED OUT. Its kinda scary sometimes. I am a bit clostrophobic and I start thinking about detrailments when we are all packed in like sardines in these long metal cans.

Its teeming rain. I was completely soaked when I arrived at my office. My umbrella is broken too. Bill said he will bring me in a replacement, since his Dad is a train conductor and one of the perks is getting a million umbrellas that people leave on the train..hehee...kinda ironic again.

I am wearing my new hobnail sneakers. black sort of basketball looking flatish featuring the knobby sole. Great for rain...they elevate me off the pavement.

Well...enough for now..back to calling 100 restaurants in Iowa. No..maybe I will go home. bye.

I have swum those raging seas.
Washed up by an ocean who had tired of me.
How I survive I will never know.
This wreck's got a home and a whole lot of hope.

I'm out on a beach, sat on a rock,
Thinking of you and the love I've got.
I saw the devil's servant. I sent him home.
I said, "Bring me your master. I don't want his dog."
I'm on fire. I'm full of a new desire.
I'm full of love and new desire.

I need somebody like you
I ain't afraid to die.
There you go,
I ain't gonna die.

So, today was a good day. Made the train, had time to get a coffee and a paper....then some schmuck had to sit next to me in a two seater and start breathing my air. The diesel fumes where pouring in at this location. The drawbridge was up...we missed our connection in Newark...had to wait for the 9:15. Okay..so they have this new HUB in Secaucus. The trains are now PACKED OUT from Newark SRO all the time.

Anyway...work is flowing at an even pace this month. Dean is on track for over 1,000 Meetups...they are hoping for 2,000 in February. Its crazy. Lots of good exposure. Our Christmas Party is on Friday night...should be fun, Bernie is going to come up with me...yay!

Today was quite nice weatherwise. No wind cutting my face to ribbons up the avenue. I think I have gain 7 lbs this past month. I noticed my clothes seems tighter...My scale says 5lbs..but I think its 7. Too much candy. This happens every year from Halloween though New Years Day. Candy...I love it. Then January comes and its 90 days till summer...oops!

Christmas is really sneaking up on me this year. I am totally unprepared. I am so busy with work, I have no time to shop... I dread it really. I know what I want to buy..so I think I will take one day this weekend and just DO IT. Get it all done in one day and thats it.

Bernie and I had a long talk tonight. I love that we seem to be able to communicate very well. I'm not afraid to tell him anything...which is a marvel to me. I hope he feels the same way, I'm somewhat sure he does. We don't agree on everything but the good thing is that I respect his opinions and can value his point of view. This is a big switch from my usual hammering of my point as the only opinion that matters. I suppose it is respect and perhaps not being challenged on a topic I feel highly passionate about. See..maybe it is that we are on the same page as far as what might make passions flair to the point of ire...that is the big difference. The good difference.

I just love him, for him...The way he is....so many little things...things he is unaware of that are so attractive. Just being himself. I can't believe I almost let him slip away. Bernie is a treasure. He is an island to discover. I want to know every grain of his sand, intimately.

So much, I never smelled the love....(taken from "French with Bad Grammar")
When I write in English and translate into Francaise, then back again..very funny things happen to the text, such as the statement.."So much, I never smelled the love" Which I believe should be, "I have never felt so in love" Thats okay... smelling love is good too. The Smell of Love....could eventually become, Love Stinks? No!
And thats all I have to say about that.

The Ballad Of Frankie Lee And Judas Priest
by Bob Dylan

Well, Frankie Lee and Judas Priest
They were the best of friends
So when Frankie Lee needed more money one day
Judas quickly pulled out a roll of tens
And placed them on a footstool
Just above the plotted plain
Sayin', "Take your pick, Frankie Boy
My loss will be your gain".

Well, Frankie Lee, he sat right down
And put his fingers to his chin
But with the cold eyes of Judas on him
His head began to spin
"Would ya please not stare at me like that", he said
"It's just my foolish pride
But sometimes a man must be alone
And this is no place to hide".

Well, Judas he just winked and said
"All right, I'll leave you here
But you'd better hurry up and choose
Which of those bills you want
Before they all disappear"
"I'm gonna start my pickin' right now
Just tell me where you''ll be".

Judas pointed down the road
And said, "Eternity"
"Eternity ?" said Frankie Lee
With a voice as cold as ice
"That's right", said Judas Priest, "Eternity
Though you might call it Paradise"
"I don't call it anything"
Said Frankie Lee with a smile
"All right", said Judas Priest
"I'll see you after a while".

Well, Frankie Lee, he sat back down
Feelin' low and mean
When just then a passing stranger
Burst upon the scene
Saying, "Are you Frankie Lee, the gambler
Whose father is deceased ?
Well, if you are
There's a fellow callin' you down the road
And they say his name is Priest".
"Oh yes, he is my friend"
Said Frankie Lee in fright
"I do recall him very well
In fact, he just left my sight"
Yes, that's the one", said the stranger
As quit as a mouse.
"Well, my message is, he's down the road
Stranded in a house".

Well, Frankie Lee he panicked
He dropped ev'rythimg and ran
Until he came up to the spot
Where Judas Priest did stand
"What kind of a house is this", he said
"Where I have come to roam ?"
"It's not a house", said Judas Priest
"It's not a house, it's a home".

Well, Frankie Lee he trembled
He soon lost all control
Over ev'rything which he had made
While the mission bells did toll
He just stood there starring
At that big house as bright as any sun
With four and twenty windows
And a woman's face in ev'ry one.

Well, up the stairs ran Frankie Lee
With a soulful bounding leap
And foaming at the mouth
He began to make his midnight creep
For sixteen nights and days he raved
But on the seventeenth he burst
Into the arms of Judas Priest
Which is where he died of thirst.

No one tried to say a thing
When they carried him out in jest
Except of course, the little neighbor boy
Who carried him to rest
And he just walked along alone
Whit his guilt so well concealed
And muttered underneath his breath
"Nothing is revealed".
Well, the moral of the story
The moral of the song
Is simply that one should never be
Where ones does not belong
So when you see your neighbor carryin' somethin'
Help him with his load
And don't go mistaking Paradise
For that home across the road.

Chilling (and I don't mean the temperature) EMAIL I received this morning.....from John Burns..I don't know him.

It works the same in every country.

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders,
that is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and
denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to
danger. It works the same in every country.”-Hermann Goering (Nazi planner)

Happy Holidays,

John Burns

French with Bad Grammar

il a chuchoté le mot de l'amour et la beauté en français pendant que nous embrassions par la lueur de chandelle. J'ai été enchanté pendant que nous commencions à danser lentement. Alors je me suis rappelé qu'elle a parlé français. Qu'elle était française. Ainsi j'ai fait une plaisanterie, "Tish, vous ai parlé français" et il m'a plongé, comme Gomez appelle "Cara!" J'ai dû faire une plaisanterie, pour casser son charme. Est-il erroné de sentir de cette façon ? Si je n'avais pas su le moment de l'intimité intense n'aurait pas été corrompu. Détendez, appréciez ce qui est maintenant. Oubliez le passé, angelissima. Avancez. Votre vie est belle.

A beautiful moment all the same.

I think too much.
I take too much on and feel responsible for the world.
I have to remember I am still in charge.
Sometimes its so difficult to always have to be the bad guy, when I am enforcing the greater good.
Being a parent is not easy, especially alone.

Tonight I did a fair share of complaining to Bernie. I really don't want to do this, because he never ever complains. He always takes whatever situation and turns it around for good. He seems to always know what to say. I overreact, say whatever gut-level thing come to mind. He thinks things out...sorts them out...before he speaks. I admire that.

J'aime être avec lui. Vendredi nuit après que le dîner nous soit revenu à ma maison et rai entre eux doucement jusqu'à ce que nous soyons tombés endormi dans mon livingroom. Je ne peux pas exactement décrire à quel point nous intimes nous sentons à ces moments. Quelque chose d'amour et de confiance purs, tomber endormi dans les someones arme, se sentant si bloquée. Je l'aime tellement. Je n'ai tellement jamais senti l'amour

"If Howard Dean Had his way....." Joe Liberman

Well...today was a crappy day. I felt raw and exposed all day. All I wanted to do was sleep...but that is nearly impossible when its pouring rain and there are two teen-aged girls fighting over computer time, whos music is too loud, whos wearing whos clothes...etc...etc...etc...so on and so on. One is grounded and cannot go out, the other changed her plans to stay home and work on a research project. rrrrrarreerrraaahhh..2 cats in a bag. POURING RAIN ALL DAY. that alone is enough to depress me...

I felt like my skin was crawling. I have developed in the past few months this inflammed rash that seems to be turning into a cronic situation when I feel anxious. Its very red and sore right now. Finally I took a long hot bath and soaked my head. Have you ever soaked your head? Its great. I slathered myself with cortisone. Pretty sexy, huh.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

we all got holes to fill
and them holes are all that`s real
some fall on you like a storm
sometimes you dig your own
but choice is yours to make
and time is yours to take
some dive into the sea
some toil upon the stone
to live`s to fly
low and high
so shake the dust off of your wings
and the sleep out of your eyes
so shake the dust off of your wings
and the tears out of your eyes.

- townes van zandt

THANKS ADAM!!Hey...I had a cool holiday surprise when I got home the other night....Adam from Fotolog sent me a new cool digital camera and an official Fotolog Tee ..wowoow...to thank me for helping with the site Admin...which I wish I could STILL help with..but...life just got too big. It was a joy and priviledge to be a part of Fotolog in the beginning...
Note to self: Send card of thanks...I hope I dont forget to do this....OH do it now.

No Free Space

Here I sit, I am trying to remember what I wanted to write about and I am a complete blank. I'm not sure how or when this happened, however, I have a theory.

I believe my brain has used up all of its RAM. I need a new memory card. I need a brainwashing. Wouldnt it be great if we could wash our brains of useless information? Sure go ahead, ask me to discribe the wardrobe of Wednesday Adams and I have no problem recalling in vivid detail her black and white attire. However, ask me what I wanted to pen here two minutes ago and its gone.

Okay...so John and Katie are singing the Oompa-Loompa song, Matilda is on the television and Pherrin is asking me about painting her bedroom a shade of purple called, California Lilac....

Maybe its just too much external distraction that deferrs my short-term memory. I never had to write everything down before. Maybe I should start.

How not to get fired from your job for BLOGGING

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINA!
Today is my pal Gina's birthday. I will not reveal the number of her years on Earth.
Last night, Bernie and I went out for Indian. We closed down a place in Freehold. Still have yet to find a place to contend with Peacock which is now closed. bah! I have not been sleeping at night. I really need to crash. Everyone was here tonight for a large dinner. I think everything came out quite well. AGH...I am falling asleep whilst I type.....
Gooooooooooooooooood nnnnniiiiiiigggghhhhhttttt.....rabbbbbbbbb-iiiiittttttt.

"Trust me, Its worth it to hold out for a SOULMATE instead of a mere CELLMATE to share your life with. "
From the Book: "Even God Is Single (so stop giving me a hard time)"

I had forgiven you for tricking me again.
But I have been tricked again into forgiving you.
What is this?
Are you some kind of hypnotist?
Waving your powers around.
The sun eclipse behind the cloud.
I thought I recognized your face amongst all of those strangers.
But I am stranger now amongst all of the recognized.
What is this?
Are you some kind of hypnotist?
Waving your powers around.
The sun eclipse behind the cloud.

You know its a good day when there is Pomagranite AND Mango in your Fruit Salad.

Apocalyptic (sp) winds blow down cold on 7th Ave
So hard....it made me stop and laugh
what else can you do?

The Antique was warm....I listened to Henrique accuse some curly red haired boy of "avoiding" him. I found out about "Good Karma in a Box"

Coffee is so fine. and you know its a good day when there is pomagranite and mango in your fruit salad.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling

And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

I'm Breathing In...I'm Breathing out....Today one of my photographer buddies gave me a very interesting lead on a job at Bathouse Studios. I could probably get it with his word..but I just think the hours might kill me.

such a delicate balance my life has..actually more like 3 distinct sections. My family life, being Mommy...taking care of the everyday routine that goes into parenting and running a household. Which by the way, I truly believe can only properly be accomplished as a full-time position. Its all half-assed now. There is no proper routine here. No one to enforce the routine. I hate this aspect. I hate not being here when they come home from school. I hate not being able to make them a nice dinner and help them with their homework. Soon they will be all grown up. I will have missed it and this makes me very sad.

Then there is my work life...which is sort of the real me that never had a chance to be. The energico of NYC. The thrill of working towards something that can potentially make a huge difference in all of our lives as Americans. Its rewarding, albeit, somewhat menial work. I totally dig the idea of Meetup and feel good about being there. The commute is an absolute drain my my spirit, and the pay totally sucks....so, I feel guilty, like...okay, I am leaving my family to be raised in a half-assed way so I can work on this job that drags me away from my primary role in life (as a mother..which is probably the most important role in anyones life...or it should be....as a parent) and there really isnt any monetary reward which MIGHT make a huge difference in my childrens lives. SO...paradox city.

Then there is my relationship with Bernie which makes me feel alive. Warm and wanted, needed and loved...sort of the work and family feeling all rolled into one. The comfort and electricity, the ebb and flow of emotion in a good, healthy way. I trust him. He is very good to me. I can see us going the distance. Its not going to be easy, it would be if it were just us, but there are children involved and their emotions to also be aware of. I feel eqally comfortable when we are alone together as when we are in our roles as Mommy and Daddy. Its so good.

So I guess by reading this over I have to say that my life is really pretty good. I have many roles to play and love each one. Life is busy, busy, busy right now, but its all really so good.

More cool stuff from my Dean Emails....

"They say there's a reason for everything, but I just can't find a reason for this. This country shouldn't be starting wars. I think all these boys should be sent home." [Jack Smith, Point Marion, PA - uncle of Ernest Bucklew, 33 year old soldier killed in Iraq, Nov. 3, 2003, when Chinook helicopter was shot down with loss of 17 lives and 20 wounded. Ernie was about to return to the U.S. to attend his mother's funeral.]

Wilson went so far as to tell a reporter on Monday that Mr. Bush and members of his family needed to experience Iraq for themselves. "Then he'll realize what's going on. As long as they ain't over there, he don't care." [Thomas Wilson, uncle of Staff Sgt. Joe N. Wilson, 30, of Crystal Springs, Miss., who was killed in the helicopter attack, NY Times, 11/5/2003]

Remember
When I call
You wouldn't turn
me away
You are never too
Busy (even though I know you are)

When I come
You listen
You manage
to untangle my thoughts
and help me make sense

I love you. The person
that you are now.
And I'm finally ready
as the person I am now
to let you love me, too.

NEW BLOG ALERT (read all about Jean)

A Dad's Life
http://growingupjean.blogspot.com/

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight

The Gospel According to Leonardo

My cousin Lenny died. Leonardo Certa was the son of my Uncle Vincent and Aunt Bella. Lenny was beautiful in every way. He was physically gorgeous and endlessly spiritual. An avid runner, lover of nature and people. He was a poet. He won various awards for his writing and was in the process of writing is interpetation of the Holy Gospel. Lenny was a carpenter who suffered the throws of heroin addiction and beat it. He was severely injured falling from a roof and then began writing. He was the father of two beauiful and sucessful daughters, Camille and Sabina. His perfect mate and wife of 25 or more years, Ginger, died a few years ago from the same type of cancer he had...multiple myloma. They were like peas in a pod...sort of like my parents. Lenny and Ginger. I can't believe they are both gone. Lenny could pull off wearing pink. He had long curly blonde hair...like Robert Plant or Peter Frampton back in the day. Lenny was always hip and peerlessly cool.

I am glad he is no longer in pain and reunited with his beloved Ginger. Farwell for now, Leonardo.

A VERY BERNIE WEEKEND

I did not manage to accomplish much this weekend errand-wise, however I did accomplish feeling closer to Bernie. This is important. I have not spent so much time with "anyone" in many years. We did this quite by accident...yet, it was time. We spent many hours together, days....and I felt comfortable with him and his daughter, never uneasy or strange, even in the most messy or compromising of situations. His dog even gets along with my cat (s). Its easy. I like that. He seems to know intuatively the right thing to say and do to make me feel loved and cared for. I love to listen to him talk. How he lights up when hes passionate about what he is saying. How he smiles. How dear his little girl is.

I am blown away by this song. I originally thought this was a remake of something from the 70's. If you have a chance to catch it...you'll be caught.

YOU & I BOTH
words & music by jason mraz

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me

Oh things are gonna happen naturally

And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side

And balancing the whole thing

But often times those words get tangled up in lines

And the bright lights turn to night

Until the dawn it brings

A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me



Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

Others only dream of the love that I love



See I'm all about them words

Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words

Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards

More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Now you and I, you and I

Not so little you and I anymore

And with this silence brings a moral story

more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy



you and I both loved what you and I spoke of

and others just read of and if you could see now

well I'm already finally out of words



and it's okay if you have go away

just remember the telephone works both ways

and if I never ever hear it ring

if nothing else I'll think the bells inside

have finally found you someone else and that's okay

cause I'll remember everything you sang



you and I both loved what you and I spoke of

and others just read of and if you could see now

well I'm already finally out of words.



© Copyright 2000-2003 Jason Mraz :: All Rights Reserved

Young People Speak
(from an email I received today regarding Howard Dean)


We got a lot of useful information about Wa's caucus system. I liked that. However, we didn't have a chance to discuss how to involve young people before I had to leave. As a young person myself, I would like to contribute my 2 cents. I got involved with the Dean campaign because of a tv commercial where Dean urged Americans to stand up to George Bush. I literally stood up and started clapping. I hadn't heard ANYONE on tv ever say anything like that (and it was about time somebody did!)... anyone i had heard of in the news who had criticized George Bush would come out and apologize within days. I didn't think they should have to (isn't it free speech to disagree with the president, or think he's an idiot? I would never apologize for saying i think he's an idiot. i do think he's an idiot, and i'm not sorry for that.).... anyway, I think a lot of people in my generation are tv junkies. we love music... if we have cable, we love MTV, otherwise we love Friends and other non-cable shows like that. put young-people geared commercials on MTV, and non-cable stations when they're airing sitcoms. but make those commercials both FUN and informative. (I'm partial to the Rock the Vote commercial on Dean TV). include hip music, hell, get Howard to rap about how he would make education more affordable. I would definitely respond to that. It's been a big issue for me for the last 4 years. (that, and i'd just love to see a presidential candidate rapping on tv.)... if the young generation is going to respond to him, he got to speak our language. he's got to be fun, but also have a very meaningful message. we don't get excited by stodgy old men sitting down and telling us about the war in Iraq (well ok *I* do, but a good deal of my friends don't. We get that on the news, and from our fathers and grandfathers. it doesn't exactly make us jump up and down and run to the polls in a frenzy. talk to us about issues directly affecting us, and be laid back and fun about it. i think that was more than my 2 cents worth. :)

Candle light warms the sorrow. Make it pretty..Make it go away.
Roses fragrance, full sincere.
Focus when you're near me, I pull away to see you clearly.

I love you
I love you
I love you

You are inside me.
You are near me, all around me.

NICE DREAMS

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me
Listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine
Made me happy. nice dream.

I call up my friend the good angel
But she’s out with
Her ansaphone
She says she would love to come help but
The sea would
Electrocute us all. nice dream.

If you think that you’re strong enough
If you think you belong enough.

Nice dream.
(Radiohead...from The Bends)

Its really cold...
Dean Meetup is tonight. I hope it goes well. I am a bit stressed over it. I ate some bad ghetto chinese and I feel like crap. ugh!

The trains were all delayed today. oh, did I mention its really cold?